As 2022 comes to a close…

The last time I wrote in this was the start of the new decade…a lot has happened in life since then. Too much to probably go into in one post and I really do intend on writing in this more…

This journal has always been a place that I wander back to when I need to express my thoughts…everything going on in my head that eventually needs to come out or be collected in one place…I always come here.

I received a promotion at work, which is great, but it came with a lot of stress and additional responsibilities – as all promotions typically do…but it’s been a lot to handle. I’m slowly getting back to where I need to be work wise but it’s been an uphill battle nearly every step of the way.

Healthwise, I could be better. In the start of 2022 I began dealing with an ongoing issue connected to uterine fibroids that will most likely require surgery…but is being controlled as much as possible for the time being. Additionally, they found I was deficient in both Vitamin B12 and D3 so I’m taking injections and a weekly pill for both of those to try and get my levels back to where they should be. In the second half of 2022, my appetite severely decreased….whether it’s related to stress, or the fibroids is really anybody’s guess at the moment.

Lifewise…in 2023 everything will change and the path I saw my life on 5-10 years ago will be gone. I’ll be starting a new chapter, hell, maybe even a whole new book. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time. Sad that one is ending, but ti’s time to look towards the future and what else life has in store for me.


The start of a new decade…

This past decade has been huge for me. Every aspect of my life has changed in the paste decade – except that my parents are still my parents and of course I still have Sydney.

In 2009, I had just moved back to New York from California a few months before the new year, I was still trying to find a job – though would soon be hired by Walmart. In the beginning of 2009, I lost my cat Sacha to a veterinary mistake and was pretty broken for a while. I started working at Walmart – changed apartments in February, tried to make ends meet – sometimes failed – sometimes it was good. My best friend got married and I was honored to be her Maid if Honor! I worked my first Black Friday at Walmart (back when the sales started at 6am on Friday) and my first Christmas Eve (when they closed at 6).

2010 marked the beginning of the end of my relationship – we went from engaged to not engaged and looking back now that was probably the beginning of the end. I didn’t end up moving again – for the first time since 2006! I did however visit my step mom and dad in North Carolina for the first time. I met their amazing neighbors, and they took me on lots of sight seeing adventures of the area. Towards the end of 2010 my step mother – my second mother really since Debbie had been in my life since I was young, lost her fight with Breast Cancer. Other than my grandparents this has still been one of the biggest losses that I’ve gone through. I still think and miss her every day. We didn’t always get along but what parent does – that’s part of what makes them a parent.

2011 was a hard year – I went through a big break up, moved back home – helped him move into a new apartment…started a new relationship, started working overnights at Walmart while also working at the library – while that didn’t last long I think I went a solid couple months with no days off. I went to Chicago for the first time and had a blast! Deep Dish Pizza at Gino’s East and explored the aquarium and the planetarium. Also went to Niagara Falls as an adult for the first time! By October it was about time for another break up and honestly I think I mourned the first and the 2nd break up at the same time. The upside to the break up however was a lost weight – which put me into a new frame of mind for 2012! At the end of 2011 I went on probably my first real normal dating experience since high school. As the New Year was being rung in – I was on a flight to North Carolina to see my dad.

2012 was an amazing year – I flew from North Carolina to Boston to meet a group of great guy friends and adventures throughout Saugus and Boston ensued. I shot my shot and asked J out. He said yes! The next year was a lot of traveling to Massachusetts, and back. I drove to Massachusetts by myself in the first ever road trip! Was also pulled over for the first time – scary! No ticket though. I also started going to the gym regularly and lost about 50 pounds. This year I can say I was truly happy!

2013 was a big year of change! I interviewed three times – once for Department if Social Services, once for the Sheriffs Office and once for a promotion at Walmart. They didn’t give me the promotion but they did make me full time! I got the job at DSS but turned it down – and then I got the Job at the Sheriff’s! I tearfully said goodbye to the people that had become my family at Walmart and went into the brave new world of the County!

In 2014, J moved to NY and into an apartment with me! That took some adjusting! I continued working at the Sheriffs but I did get to go to Albany for training twice! Became friends with my coworkers at the Sheriffs! Was able to move Sydney into my apartment ❤️.

2015 was a lot of the same as 2014 except on Christmas Eve J and I got engaged! In one of the happiest moments of my life, he had hidden the ring in the Christmas Tree and after spending the evening at my mothers….we came home and I found it in the tree.

2016 marked the year I left the Sheriff’s office and began working for the School District…another huge change! We also began the tedious and stressful process of buying a house and planning a wedding! In the Fall of 2016 I traveled to Iceland with my mom.

In the first few days of 2017, we closed on our new house and closed tiniest the wedding planning. We also added Mac, Fiona and Rootie to our family household. Snow moved to New York! In September we were married and went to Iceland just the two of us for our honeymoon.

2018 my stresses continued. I also realized that conceiving might be a challenge for me. My father fought cancer – and won! We had a well installed – one of the biggest struggles we went through this year other than my own anxiety was not having a reliable source of water from June through October. I also was able to ween myself off of my anxiety medications in 2018! I received a promotion at work as well. There were a lot of stressors but also a lot of good things that happened.

2019 – the final year in the decade. This has been a tough year too. My promotion was changed from contingent to permanent (yay!) and some of the stressors that followed me from 2018 continued. On a positive note, I was in two weddings this year! J and I and his family also went to Universal Studios in Florida and got to enjoy some much needed time off.

As this year comes to a close I think it’s important that I look at where I started and where I’m ending. It’s been a crazy decade – I started having just moved back home from California, and I’m ending in my own home. I’ve made countless new friends and have drifted away from others. While I’ve felt loss, I’ve also seen new life born into this world! Nephews and GodChildren – I’ve had the honor of being able to watch my friends kids grow and I can only continue to hope that somebody I’ll have the chance to experience that for myself. While I’m not yet where I wanted to be at this point in my life I have to acknowledge that I have come so far from where I was 10 years ago. I’ve grown as a person – I’ve done things I never through I could and I can only hope in the next ten years I’ll be able to co to he growing!

There have been some down moments in the past ten years…and while they can be used as learning experiences, I don’t want to focus on them – the positives have been truly amazing and I’m looking forward to what the next decade has I store for me.




Meet me in the woods…

” I took a little journey to the unknown
And I come back changed, I can feel it in my bones
I fucked with the forces that our eyes can’t see
Now the darkness got a hold on me
Holy darkness got a hold on me “

– Lord Huron (Meet me in the Woods)

As Summer begins in Upstate, I can feel an electric charge in the air. The rains some and the wind whispers time for change as they take leave. The Summer Solstice came and went and while I meant to celebrate it in some way – the day passed by without any kind of fan fair.

No bonfires yet this summer, although I always associate those more with Fall. Summers are for water, and fruit bowls and lemonade. Music is making it’s way back into my life, specifically in the form of the Lumineers, X Ambassadors, Lord Huron and The Revivalists.

Part of me feels like life is moving all around me and I’m sitting in the middle, or maybe even in the background observing it. I don’t feel depressed any more – I’m actually pretty happy! But life is just moving around me and I’m standing still. I’m not sure what to make of it so I guess I’ll continue watching for now.

Anyway, that’s enough non-nonsensical talk for now. Day ???. Post 2.


Oneida Lake at Sunset
Life · Self-reflection · Uncategorized

November 2018

When I was in high school, I wrote nearly every day in my LiveJournal.  Sure, I might have changed accounts over the years but even now I can go back to that original journal and all the memories come flooding back – good and bad.

Back then, every post title was a line from a song I was listening to.  I still remember my favorite line from just about any song.  It was by the Ataris, called Takeoffs and Landings.

“The runway lights are the deepest blue like the colors of your eyes…”

That song to this day is still one of my favorite songs.

But every time I hear it, I’m sucked into looking at all of those journal entries and it takes me back to a really tough part of my life.   Bittersweet memories mixed with how naive I was.

There are times that I wish I could reach back and comment to old Bess.  “It gets better – you don’t have a limit of 5 boyfriends max for your life.”  or “This too shall pass” or probably the most important: “In all things, be kind” and to not be such a depressed ball of fluff.

In any case, I’m trying to get back into writing more than only writing with a purpose.

Day 1.  Post 1. Done.

I guess when it comes down to it
Being Grown Up – Isn’t half as fun as growing Up
These are the best days of our lives

The only thing that matters
Is just following your heart
and eventually – you’ll finally get it right.


Upcoming recipes

As soon as I get a chance I’d like to type up a recipe I made this week, a couple actually.  This weekend I made a vegetarian Lasagna – sauce from scratch for the first time ever! But I was able to use my vegetable mixture in another recipe as well.  Today I might attempt to make those Broccoli Cheese pizza rolls, we’ll see.  Work’s been crazy this past week and it means I’m pretty much snoozing my days away after I do my Zumba Fitness when I get home in the mornings.

Happy Eating everybody!



All the miles that separate…they disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face…

The first week back from vacation is a rough one in general but as a third shift worker it sucks. It’s been almost a year since I switched to overnights at work and my body has still yet to adapt to being awake when the sun goes down. At the same time however, it refuses to sleep much at night so I feel as though my life is one big stretch of catnaps.

I got home a week ago from my most recent trip to Saugus, MA. Feels like forever ago now.  I don’t think I’ll be able to get back there until September or October this year…might try to save up for both of those months.    Had so much fun this trip.  Spent my birthday going out and having fun for the first time since I was a teenager.   Got to see Jarred for almost a week, that alone made the vacation something that was much needed.  Spent my 26th Birthday playing mini golf and laughing with my friends John, Ryan, Sean, Jen and Jarred. After all our hard work golfing we went go kart racing and got ice cream.   We went to a bar called the Brown Jug, which I believe has pretty much become the birthday bar.  Overall the day was amazing for me.  Thai Food, Pizza, Ice Cream, Mini Golf, Alcohol that tastes like fruit punch, friends and snuggles.  Can’t ask for much more.  My mom, bless her heart, ordered me a cake from a bakery near my hotel. It was amazing.  Cakes for Occasions you out did yourselves!

We went into Boston on the 19th and went to the New England Aquarium, almost had the chance to touch some Rays and Non-violent Sharks!  We saw a 3D IMAX film on the struggle for Polar bears and other life in the Arctic.  After the Aquarium we had dinner at Cheers which was delicious.  They have a cranberry mayonnaise that will make the meal all in itself, but the Boston Baked Beans and any of the sandwiches are probably some of the best I’ve had.  Jarred got the eNORMous burger and I can’t even begin to describe how huge it was.  I had Sam’s Turkey Sandwich and it was hands down the best Turkey sandwich I’ve ever had, perfect ratio of mayo to sandwich and not too much of anything.  I’m not embarrassed to say I ate the whole thing.  We then met up with Ryan, Jen and John at O’Briens a bar in Saugus.  There was a band Free Reign playing there – they opened with Bush, and went on to play STP and so many other good covers.  We got probably the cheesiest pizza I’ve ever seen, which was kind of “Eh” at best, but I ordered loaded nachos and when merged with the pizza I was told it was fantastic.

I honestly don’t think I could have asked for a better birthday vacation.  I had so much fun with my friends and especially Jarred, a lot of good times I’ll never forget.  This took way too long to post…I’ve been going through a pretty rough week but I wanted to get this out today so I could move on to some other stuff that’s been fluttering about my head.